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I am wrong and I’m living with that

I’m just going to jump straight into this to save all the bullsh*t.

This past week, I’ve “lost” 3 friends that I’ve been friends with for years. I have been in this headspace for a very long time now where if I’m not 110%, I just stop. I am unsure if this is a good or a bad thing and I guess I will never know. I am unsure if I’m right, or if they were right. That’s another thing I will never know. Neither of us will. But the point is, it doesn’t matter.

Out of this experience I have taken 5 of the utmost important things home with me:

1. I am okay with never knowing.

To have the availability in your mind to begin with, to actually have learnt how to use your mind with all its power is something incredible if you can master it. To understand that things are the way that they are, not because of anything I did, and not because of anything they did, but because of things we both did, over time. Things fall apart sometimes horribly, and sometimes people just drift and fall apart that way. Either way it isn’t a nice feeling for anyone. It’s definitely not something I thought was nice and I don’t think I ever will think of it as a nice feeling, but accepting the fact that life will now be different is accepting the fact that you can see both “sides” and just learn to let it all go. I knew that it was time to move on and to be completely honest it is okay for me to have outgrown them, just as it is for them to do the same. Acceptance is key.

2. My life doesn’t stop just because I’m feeling like sh*t. And it doesn’t for them either.

As cliche as this may sound, life f*cking goes on whether you’re all in, or you’re all out. It’s going to keep flowing no matter what you’re feeling/thinking/doing. That’s life. Get on with it, and keep smashing goals and making new things happen. Go out and find new friends, go out and find yourself, do whatever it is that you need to do. Just do it, because the days are slipping past whether you’re enjoying them or not. And don’t feel guilty for doing you. Things obviously didn’t work out for a reason.

3. I don’t hate them/ gossip about them.

No matter what has/had happened, hating on your old friends or gossiping about them for starters shows a heck of a lot of immaturity, lack of self confidence and extremely low self esteem, plus it just makes you look like an as*hole. I loved them once, I still do, just differently now. It’s important not to let the world make you cruel. Even if they may be gossiping and hating on you, just get on with it and move on – it isn’t worth wasting your time on it.

4. Learn.

Like I mentioned above, there’s obviously reasons as to why we stop being friends with people. Some times we have things going on that they may not know about so we’re acting differently and maybe we start projecting, sometimes its a mutual agreement and you just drift, sometimes its one-sided and maybe the other person felt like it was all a bit too much for them, sometimes something terrible happens and things get blown out of proportion or sometimes you get sick and tired of the way you’re actually acting towards them, maybe it’s you and you don’t like that anymore and I’m sure they probably didn’t like that either. I could be here for hours listing reasons why two people decide maybe it isn’t working.

Either way, you need to learn from it. Take time to process (without replying), and to actually go over things intently and work out what you want. Maybe you come to the conclusion that it is better off this way or maybe you come to the conclusion that you want to work things through and move past it maturely. Either way, learn and try not to make the same mistakes again.

5. We are always wrong. Every time. 

It was a hard pill for me to swallow, but about 5 years ago I took this pill and I took it hard. I struggled with accepting the fact that I could be wrong when put in situations where I was mistreated at times. But thats just it, I wasn’t “put” in situations, I put myself in those situations then didn’t want to accept that maybe I had made the wrong move, so I just lived with it.

I went through a massive growth stage and I knew it was time to admit to myself that I’m never going to be right. Ever. No one is ever right and no one will ever be right, including you. It’s a hard thing to take on board and it’s even harder to accept it and even harder again to start acting towards different things to get closer to attempting to be “right.” Because we are never right and never will be; the only thing we can do is try each day to learn from what didn’t work in the past and to try not to do those same things again. I stopped putting myself in those positions after I accepted that I actually was placing myself there all by myself.

I started removing people from my life that were making me feel bad about myself even when they weren’t doing things intentionally. I started to stop feeling guilty for removing people that once meant something to me the day I realised it means I am growing and changing. There’s only one way up once you’re at rock bottom. I started to stop arguing with people when they didn’t accept that I was allowed to do this in my own life, as can they, when I realised they’re just frustrated I’ve moved on and when I realised they had every right to feel the way they did, as did I. Just as people in my life currently, have the same right to do exactly what I do, to help yourself.

By all means, this doesn’t give you the right to be a “see you next Tuesday” but it does give you the right to realise you don’t always need to be a people pleaser.

I will never know if anything I am doing is “right” but at least I’m taking the steps I know I need to take, to grow and become a better version of myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad for the things that I do, it just means I’ve learnt how to use my mind to control my actions in a proactive form of direction. I encourage everyone to do what you need to do, to live a happier, healthier life. Because at the end of the day it’s not anyone else’s life, but yours. And at the end of the day, all you have, is yourself. So accept that and take care of it. People aren’t going to be over the moon about you doing what’s best for you, at that particular time but that’s all part of taking control of your own actions and realising that you can do whatever the f*ck you want.

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